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After ending a couple relationships earlier on in the year and finding the importance of my own worth, I felt a load of sheltering baggage lift off my shoulders. My truest self finally greeted her moment from behind the curtain and walked onto the stage in front of her with a purpose. The air feels crisper, my mind sharper, and my eyes widen as I see life with a new sense of possibilities.
Summer of ‘23 has probably been one of the most eye-opening ones to date as I am approaching my twenty-fifth year around the sun. Watching my friends and chosen family work towards their goals, balancing work and pleasure, and still managing to find time for one another has been a blessing to experience. 98% of my circle are in the creative and artistic field. They continue to inspire me and are one of the key motivating factors in my life to persevere towards my endeavours. With that being said, I spontaneously made the decision to apply for university this semester. The goal: deepen my education, work intensely in my craft [acting], and form new relationships with people around me where we enrich each other's lives. Since I finally have the time and focus to pursue what I believe is best for me, I thought, “Why not?” So, as any student does, I began researching all of the universities I wanted to apply to.
I packed my things, headed to Coffee & Tea on El Cajon Blvd and sat myself down with the window to my right, an espresso tonic to my left, and my iPad propped up in front of me. With roughly twenty-one tabs open, I began shuffling through the information to see what was needed from me and the questions I had to answer. However, in the midst of the organised chaos, a mind-numbing feeling engulfed me from behind-
“What am I doing? Is what I’m working towards actually attainable? Was all the work I put in for the past two years actually worth it? Should I have settled with being in design? What does it mean to be an actor? Why do I feel behind? What am I even good at anymore? WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?”
People were shuffling in and out of the cafe. Faint laughs and the bonding of relationships were heard through one ear and the steaming of milk into the other. Yet, the loudest thing I could only focus on in that moment was the deafening sound of imposter syndrome telling me that I might have just been wasting my time. In a collective act of panic, I reached out to a couple people in my circle for guidance- Luke Lace and Bilal Mohamed.
In a small series of texts, I asked Luke about how he deals with imposter syndrome and Bilal about the path he had taken.
Within that two hour window, I learned and reminded myself a few things:
Everyone’s path is different.
Results take time.
Invest in myself- my passion is MY currency.
I have come this far, why not go farther.
Self doubt is resistance.
Work hard but continue to have fun.
I’m grateful to have some of the best people in my circle.
Fast forward to the end of September- I got cast in my school’s play, was presented the opportunity to work on the set of my friend’s short film, have been- and will continue to travel across the coast, and evolved even more from the person I was back in July.
The other night, I was closing down the bar at my job and shared an intense conversation with one of my guests about our interests, admiration of Aaron Sorkin, and what I hope to accomplish in life. Attentively listing off my pursuits in acting, education, and community, I brought up that I also have been in a friendly game of tug-of-war with imposter syndrome regarding my future. Geoff (my guest) had left me with a statement that I needed to hear:
“Are you really an imposter if you have been working hard to get to where you’re at- Where you want to be?”
Life has a funny way of panning out and putting people in front of you in the time of need. Yes, I occasionally have internal intrusive whispers of what’s best for myself or if I am good enough. However, what matters is that I have this fire in my core to pursue what matters to me. There is an ultimate dream that I am planning to achieve if all goes well, but that is a story for another time.
In due time. Take care,
💫💫💫